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The Introverted Duckling

Self-Depreciation as a Result of Dangerous Teaching (How a Christian Cult Stole my Childhood - Part


I grew up in a Christian cult where ‘holiness’ or ‘purity’ was at the forefront of all their teachings.

This was the idea that women were responsible for preventing men from having ‘sinful’ thoughts or desires by dressing in a modest way at all times.

At the time I was growing up in the church, so up until ten years ago, make-up was a no-no, skirts had to be below the knee (I remember one of the church leaders doing the skirt test on me. I had to sit down and see if my skirt still touched my knee. It didn’t, so I wouldn’t be allowed to wear that one again.)

It’s frustrating to me to see some photos of people still attending the church, because it seems that nowadays they are more lax about the way they dress, and with make-up, too. I mean, I’m happy if they’ve realised how ridiculous their teaching was, but if they’ve changed their teachings or become accountable for the damage such ludicrous ideas were having on people, they didn’t bother to reach out to those affected by them and apologise; and that’s such a shame.

Spoken about and preached on far more often than the teachings of Jesus, it was drilled into my head as an impressionable young person that my value was based on how dutifully I adhered to all the rules and regulations. Such a strict dress-code actually resulted in many people dressing in a similar way at the time. I remember baggy jeans, ‘Gap’ hoodies and clumpy boots were ‘in’. Probably because they did such a good job of disguising any shapes or curves.

The teaching even went a step further. Being modest wasn’t just to stop men from sinning; it was because God would inevitably strike down anyone who was ‘haughty’ or ‘vain’. They used bible verses to justify these ideas, but obviously, misconstruing them for their own advantage.

‘Vanity’ was rarely explained, but most of us has the general idea that the vain people in the church were those who sneakily wore a light coat of mascara on their eyes, or who wore bright high-heels, or who flirted with people of the opposite sex.

We knew that ‘vanity’ was equal to pride, and pride would result in a fall.

Quite often there would be alter calls during the church services - or ‘meetings’, as they were called - where people would be invited to come forward for prayer and to ask for forgiveness for their vanity. We were taught that if Jesus were to come back - which was always a very imminent event according to their teaching - anyone who was still entertaining ‘vain’ thoughts or sin of any kind in their hearts would end up in hell. Regardless of how hard they tried to please God (the leaders of the Church, really!) the rest of the time.

Sometimes we would all be sitting with our eyes shut, and the preacher or leader at the front would say something like, “There’s a young girl at the back who needs to get right with God. I see vanity in her heart.” This would inevitably send a wave of panic through the hearts of many young girls at the back of the church. Was it me? Was I secretly harbouring sinful thoughts or desires? Would I go to hell if Jesus came back that night?

Often we’d then ‘go forward’ for prayer anyway - even if we felt that the ‘word of knowledge’ didn’t apply to us (the preachers/leaders always thought that they were hearing directly from God on these matters) - simply to cover our bases.

We battled endless feelings of shame and fear. Maybe I am the sinful one. Maybe I am not trying hard enough. Maybe God will strike me down.

I’ve always been creative and have enjoyed expressing myself through the things I wear. I never liked the sporty, casual look. As I approached my late teens I began to experiment with wearing things which were a little prettier and more feminine. I always tried to make sure they were ‘modest’, though.

One particular incident will always be etched on my memory. I had a pink T-shirt with a butterfly on it, which I loved because I had bought it in a sale and pink was my favourite colour at the time. It fitted nicely; actually made me feel quite pretty when I wore it. I wasn’t trying to ‘get a guy’ with it or make a statement. I simply liked the T-shirt.

Anyone, one of these ‘alter calls’ happened, where the speaker at the front announced that there was a young girl who needed to get right with God because she was starting to dress immodestly and had vanity in her heart.

Previous to this, I would always have responded, just in case it was me. But this was around about the time I started to question things.

So I decided to sit there and wait, just to see what would happen if I didn’t respond.

Gradually the speaker became more fervent. “She’s a young girl with brown hair in the back row. She knows who she is.” Etc, etc.

It became apparent, probably to everyone in the room, that he was talking about me. But I didn’t go forward. I kept my head bowed, eyes shut. And I think that was the first time I realised that maybe I could begin to question things without fear of God striking me down or punishing me. Because that night, nothing bad happened to me. I actually felt quite peaceful, and a sense of freedom creeping up on me, like I had never experienced before.

Anyway, flash-forward ten years and I recognise issues that have arisen as a result of all this messed-up teaching. Years of being afraid of being ‘vain’ have paid their toll. I truly believe that many of my self-depreciating thoughts come from the fear of being too cocky or vain.

I always had to put a check on feeling like I was capable or good enough on my own, without being a part of the Church (or ‘in God’ as they would have described it). I was taught that without God - without being part of their church and following their strict teachings - I was literally nothing.

These are the teaching which sometimes look back at me when I’m standing in front of the mirror. How can I - just as I am - be good enough? I will never be good enough unless I do X, Y and Z.

Unless I lose a few more pounds, or that spot heals up, or I change my hairstyle, or I do something about those under-eye creases which are beginning to develop…. The feelings of shame which accompany these thoughts are similar to the feelings I was so used to throughout my childhood. It’s almost like a protection.

If I feel small and worthless, then God will be happy with me.

It’s not just my physical appearance. I’m constantly scrutinising my interactions with others, my moods, my thoughts, my motives. It’s like I just can’t cut myself a break.

I’m doing so much better now than I ever have. I’m on a healing trajectory, which sometimes dips and wiggles, but overall, it’s going up in the right direction.

I’m thankful to all those who have supported me on my ‘exit’ journey. I’m happy with who I have become over the years, and excited for a future without the fears and lies of my past.

These teachings - these dangerous lies - are battle scars. I display them now with - yes - pride. Because I have come out through the other side stronger than I ever thought I could be.

Turns out I’ve always been enough.

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