Fate, Destiny, Choice or Tough Doughnuts?

This will probably be a slightly more philosophical article than what you're used to from me. My next one shall be injected with extra doses of unicorn rainbow-poop, sparkle and sunshine. I promise ;-).

I wanted to talk about fate, destiny and all that goes along with that from my own perspective. I know that everyone has their own ideas about this kind of thing, and that's cool. I'm not trying to change your mind, only to express mine. So here goes...

*coughs nervously*.

To start this off, I'll talk about what I do believe in. Then go on to gently pick apart any other theories which happen to contradict mine, because isn't that what you're meant to do when expressing your opinion? Hehe. Seriously, just read, nod your head if you agree, shake your head if you don't, but please don't come round to my place and throw any tomatoes at my window if you don't like what I say.

When one believes in the idea of 'fate' or 'destiny', in most cases (I stress the word 'most' because there are plenty of exceptions), one tends to believe in the idea of 'God' or a Higher Power. Or maybe in the 'Universe' or science. Something bigger and above simple explanation. I fall into the category of people who do believe in a Higher Power. I probably don't believe in 'God' like you do, though. Although I did grow up Christian and still hold onto some of the beliefs I developed from my faith at the time, I like to think that my idea of 'God' or What-Is-Bigger-Than-Me is constantly evolving and moving away from the traditional and religious. (You can read more about my current stance on such matters here: https://hearttomindblog.wordpress.com/2015/01/13/musings-on-faith/)

So, if I believe in 'God', it falls to reason that I also believe in 'fate' or 'destiny', right? Actually, I don't. Not really. Or maybe a little. Wow, it's all so complicated! I think there are meant to be things in life which are a little too big to be apprehended, and that's OK. This is one of those topics that will always seem a little nebulous, even if I have a clear opinion and conviction.

You hear it everywhere. In films, in songs, from well-meaning friends and family members. "Don't worry, if it's meant to be, it will be." "Everything happens for a reason." "What's for you won't go by you." I truly believe that our culture is seaped with the ideology of fate and destiny. It shows up on our facebook feeds, it's slapped around on Pinterest, even found on greeting cards and tatooed onto bodies. It's nice. It's comforting. After all, what better way to comfort someone who's just lost a loved one than by telling them it happened for a reason, right? I'm not so sure about that. Honestly, after losing my dad, people would try to tell me that and it didn't comfort me ONE. LITTLE. BIT. The idea that a Higher Power - a god who was meant to be loving - would remove my dad from the earth before his time, simply because it was in the Divine To-Do List (or 'fate' or 'destiny), wasn't a happy thought in the slightest.

So what about the friend whose relationship doesn't work out, or who loses their job? Isn't that the right occasion to bring out one of our favourite lines? "If it's meant to be, it will be." I think on some rare occasions it can be a nice thing to hear. It can provide a sense of hope. It can be a kind word when kindess is needed. But here's why I think it just doesn't hit the mark.

If everything that happens was always 'meant to be' and completely up to fate, where would that leave us as free human beings? It wouldn't leave us free at all. In fact, it wouldn't even leave us human. We'd be like robots or puppets, put on earth to do exactly as we were programmed or compelled to do. If that was the way things were meant to be, there would have been no need for 'free-will' or choice. There'd be no need for consequences or learning or personal growth because we'd be automatically following the How-to-Do-Life manual to the letter. Sounds a bit boring to me.

This what I believe. I believe that there's an ultimate path or plan for everyone. Yes, I suppose you could call that destiny. But I don't think it's made up of all the relatively small things like what school subjects we take, what job we apply for, what we order from the takeaway or even who we end up marrying. I like to think that 'God' has put plenty of amazing opportunites in my path but it has been up to me to reach out and take them. I ultimately chose to face my fear and move to France by myself at age nineteen. If I had stayed in Scotland, I believe another path would have opened up for me. Job opportunities have come up because I have pursued what I enjoy doing and what I am good at. If I had refused one job, I'm quite sure ultimately I would have found another. Every job I've accepted has brought it's own challenges and rewards. Each job has taught me something about myself and the working world.

Now, about my relationship, I have to say here that the events that led up to me meeting my partner are quite extraordinary, and that I honestly believe I couldn't have found anyone more suitable for me, had I took a boat and searched around the whole world. I do believe 'God' had a hand to play in that. But as a rule of thumb I don't believe in 'The One'. If everybody had only one person that they were meant to be with, what would that mean if 'The One' got sick and died after they found each other? Would that mean that marrying again or finding someone else would be futile because they would never be happy with anyone else? If there was only one person for everybody, how would you know when you'd found that person? Because you never fought? Because 'you just knew?' Because you both liked all the same pizza toppings and romantic comedies?

I think there are probably several people in this life that we could be highly comptabile and happy with. If one relationship fails, it doesn't mean we are doomed to singledom for the rest of our lives. I like to think that a Higher Power nudges us along and puts suggestions and opportunities in our path, but it is up to us to accept or refuse, or carve another path for ourselves.

I think that believing in 'The One', to some degree or another, abdicates responsibility. If there are problems in the relationship, rather than look to see what behaviours could be needing changed or how we might be needing to grow, we could automatically assume that we are in the 'wrong' relationship. It makes us forget that love is grown through loving actions, and that lovey-dovey feelings wax and wane continously, and are not the basis for a strong, loving relationship. It makes us look to our partners to fill us up, keep us happy and tend to all of our needs, which is impossible to expect from one person. If we believe rather that true love is a choice, instead of constantly looking to get from our partner what we believe we should be getting (if they are 'The One'), we learn what it means to truly love and be loved by another flawed human being. Commitment becomes truly that; not based on feelings and 'intuition' and because fate ordained it; but a choice. Through sickness and poverty and even death. Even if we might be missing out on some perfect version of our preferred sex who was actually waiting for us to find them on some remote island off the coast of China.

I think that we get to make lots of choices in our life. We don't like to make choices. We'd rather leave it to the nubulous Hand of Fate. We're scared of making mistakes and of consequences. We've grown up in a culture which insists that there are only right and wrong answers, and that if you are wrong, you will fail the exam, fail school, never find a good job, have no friends and never get laid.

But what if life was far more grey than black-and-white? What if 'mistakes' were springboards for learning, and 'wrong choices' were only particular choices with particular consequences? What if we stopped taking the pressure off of ourselves to always be 'right'? There are some obvious black-and-white laws in life. Kill someone, and you will spend your life in prison. Bite off someone's head and you will probably feel very guilty for a long time afterwards, and might very well lose their friendship. Skip classes and you will probably fail the exam. But for everything else, learn to trust yourself and your own decisions. Don't abdicate responsibility to a Higher Power. If you believe that you were created by an intelligent Being, believe that you have what's necessary already within you to choose and create a good life for yourself. Don't agonise over which job to take. Follow your heart. Let the consequences be what they will.

I don't know what the Great Plan for my life is. Or yours. But I do think all of us are made to love and be loved, in whatever form that may take, and to use our gifts and talents to bless the world around us. After that, well, the plan, whether it be already set in stone or not, will be the result of the choices we make. Choose life. Choose to follow your heart. Believe in fate or destiny or God if you want, but believe that you have what it takes to make it.