Toxic People (Or you don't need that kind of negativity in your life)

This article isn't actually going to go the way you probably think it's going to go. I'm not going to start listing off all the kind of people I think you should cut out of your life if you want to stay zen and keep your aura clean (still trying to work out if my aura looks like a halo or a bubble. Will let you know once I've decided.) I'm actually going to be very anti-hip and probably side more with your gran, if she were to have an opinion on this issue. You see, I'm going to hark back to good old-fashioned, oughtn't-to-be-old-fashioned, HUMAN KINDNESS AND COMPASSION.

I will begin with a real-life story, one that I have found to be oh-too-common. You see, I recently met up with a friend for dinner. This poor friend has suffered quite a lot in life, and perhaps because she was feeling a little overwhelmed at the time, or maybe just relaxed in my company, she decided to off-load something of what she has been going through. So while she off-loaded, I listened. I probably made a lot of sympathetic noises, as one is apt to do in these situations. At the end of her speech, she finished up with a phrase that I have heard come out of the mouth of waaaaaaay too many people. The phrase goes like this: "I haven't told many people (or anyone) this before. I don't like to, because I don't like to be a burden."

This way of thinking can be so ingrained in us. How many times do we find ourselves going through a difficult situation, and instead of turning to our friends or family or a trusted person, we decide to keep our suffering to ourselves, because we don't want to be a burden? Why do we think this way?

Perhaps it is down to two simple reasons. The first: we have unfortunately experienced rejection in the past when we have tried to share our feelings or problems with another person. The second: we live in a society that expects nothing but positive emotions. If you're not happy, here's how to fix it. Depressed? Take this pill. Unsatisfied? Go on this diet. Bored? Go on holiday here. Is someone else's negativity bringing you down? CUT THEM OUT OF YOUR LIFE, NOW!

I'll go back to the first reason in a moment. But first, let me run with what I just shouted at you in capital letters. As an avid blogger and reader of other blogs, I have discovered that so many people out there are ascribing to modern-day lines of thinking, which go something like this: Experiencing negativity in your life? (You probably are, if you live in the same world I do!) Have you looked around you to see if someone in your life is having a negative impact on you? (Unless everyone in your life is either Tigger, chocolate or a surrealist with their head constantly in the clouds, yes, you probably are being negatively affected.) If you want to protect your happiness, you will need to cut out those people who are joy-suckers and happiness-zappers, PRONTO! (So that means cutting yourself out of your life when you're on your period, when you fail an exam, lose a job, go through a break-up or have a bad hair day).

Now, I'm not trying to suggest that I think it's a smart idea to be best buddies with people who are always on a downer and want nothing more than to bring you down, too. I'm not talking about actual toxic people here. I think there are certain kinds of people we shouldn't let into our fuzzy ring of light. Escaped mass murderers are probably a good example. And on a serious note, people who want to use or abuse us, or people who don't have our best interests at heart don't deserve our time a day. But I digress.

I can understand where this philosophy is coming from. When people are going through deep p**, and come to us to unburden themselves, it doesn't feel good. Let's be honest. Especially if you're highly-sensitive like me, their suffering will literally become your suffering. You'll feel the weight of their sadness, maybe even the blackness of their sense of hopelessness. After you've let them talk it out, they've cried for a while, and you've put on a movie for them or poured them a glass of wine (or two), you probably won't feel like dancing around singing happy songs from musicals. Their mood will most likely affect yours. That's not to say that you shouldn't dip into your own inner resources to keep yourself from falling into depression. That's not to say that you shouldn't stay strong for your friend. In fact, you need to. And it doesn't mean that you now to need to obsess over their problem, or try to come up with solutions. I just think that we need to stop trying to keep all those negative emotions at arm's length. They're part of life. Just like we can't stop winter from coming, or the rain from falling, or flowers from dying. This may sound rather morbid, but unless we are willing to accept that we MUST experience ALL emotions to partake of a full human existence, we will never be able to support others in their suffering.

And unfortunately, since people are human (just like us), at some point in your life (most likely and unfortunately when you were just a child and still learning to deal with your feelings) someone will probably have dealt badly with your outbursts of emotion. Perhaps on some other occasion you were given some cold piece of advice after you bared your soul, instead of a warm hug. Maybe someone made you feel like your suffering didn't matter, as that's just life. C'est la vie. Maybe you were told that you were too sensitive, or too emotional, or that crying was for wimps or girls. Maybe you were told to man-up, fix your make-up, put on a brave face or stop being so self-absorbed. You gradually learned that people would rather be your friend if you didn't talk about your problems and if you kept your emotions in check.

If that happened to you, as it has happened to most of us at some point or another, realise that other people's lack of receptivity was never your fault. It spoke so much more about them, and their inability to handle their own emotions.

How different would the world be, if we were taught from a very early age that it's OK to express our emotions (in a healthy manner), no matter what those emotions are? If we were taught that it's OK to be sad, angry, disappointed or hurt sometimes, just like it's OK to be happy or excited, wouldn't we then go on to accept those emotions in other people? So instead of being the generation that labels someone going through a crisis and who wishes to off-load with someone who cares about them, perhaps over an extended period of time, as a toxic person, we would willingly reach out both our arms to help carry the weight of their burden, knowing that we ourselves are more than capable of dealing with the emotions that will follow.

So dear friend, if you need someone to talk to, I hope that I will never be the one to turn you away. I'll probably wrestle with myself as I learn to deal more effectively with your emotions, on top of mine. But that's a good thing. Let's work through our difficult emotions together. After all, life is so much sweeter when it's shared.