A Valentine's Day Reflection on Self-Love

Valentine’s Day is an excellent opportunity to reflect on all the ways that we are blessed with love in our lives, whether that be with the love of a supportive partner, a parent, a sibling, a friend, or even a pet.

It’s also a time to ask ourselves if we’re actively being loved by someone who is arguably more important; us.

I don’t know if it’s biology or conditioning, but I feel like that for many women, self-love is hard. It’s almost easier to put the needs of others before our own. After all, in generations gone past - even as recently as our parents’ generation - it was almost expected that a woman would give up her life to be a wife and mother. She was expected to be willing to work hard to care of the needs of her family. Housework, child-rearing, nurturing, loving, giving; all with a smile and without much thought of her own needs or wants.

It seems like there has always been this unspoken admiration for women who give and give and give until they seem to have nothing left to give. Even in today’s society, with its equal opportunities and greater freedom for women to have careers, social lives and interests outside or instead of their traditional role as housewife or mother, it seems as though one’s level of busyness is the barometer with which we measure their success.

We praise the woman who comes yawning into work in the morning after a sleepless night with her sick child, who spent the better part of her evening shuttling her other child between extra-curricular activities (she’s supposed to be Super-Mum), managed to dash late into her yoga class (because she’s meant to be staying in shape), iron all her husband’s shirts (because she’s meant to be the perfect wife) and got in a little revision for her exam at the weekend (she’s also meant to be getting more qualifications and advancing her career). “I don’t know how you do it,” we tell her, and we mean it. We hold her in a sort of reverence. We aspire to be her.

And yet we forget to think about the consequences of our fast-paced society and determination to jam-pack our lives with all the things that we think we should be jam-packing them with in order to be successful and worthy.

We turn a blind eye to the rising mental illness that is resulting, and the dangerous messages that we are sending to our children. Maybe it’s time to stop and ask ourselves if all our busyness is truly in our greatest interest. What are our motivations? Are we trying to better ourselves for ourselves, or are we trying to create an image or stave off feelings of unworthiness? Instead of continuing to live in the lie that says we only matter if we give and give until we break, what if we were to search for the truth that says we are enough, just as we are, without having to ‘do’ anything.

We can’t stop the world turning like it does. We can’t avoid certain commitments. But maybe we can start to say ‘no’ to the things that deep inside we long to say ‘no’ to.

Maybe we would make a better impact on the world if instead of always trying to do more, we tried to do less. I think we’ve lost the art of being. We don’t find peace if we’re constantly living two paces ahead of ourselves. How can we be our very best selves if we’re not getting enough rest and ‘me-time’? Our loved ones don’t want to see us burning the candle at both ends. They usually just want to see us. That’s what the world needs; our very best us.

This morning I chose to take time for myself. I’m currently travelling up to Scotland to spend a few days with my mum and sister. I wanted to leave home as early as possible so that I could get into Scotland at a reasonable time. I had it all planned out; I would get up at the crack of dawn, get into London just after rush-hour and dash round to Euston Station so that I could be in Glasgow long before tea-time.

But I’m currently on my well-needed and earned February-break (I’m a teaching assistant in a class of primary-children with special educational needs). I’ve had my best friend staying and have enjoyed some quality time with her. As a result I haven’t had a chance to pack my suitcase until this morning. I got the earliest train I could, but then when I arrived in London I realised that I desperately needed the toilet. I only had half-an-hour to get between stations and tackle the insane queue to the toilet…

Fortunately, I had a revelation. Why was I forcing myself to rush around like a headless chicken on a day that I could have been relaxing? I had no real or pressing engagements. Yes I knew that my mum and sister would want to see me as early in the day as I could manage, but an extra hour was not going to change anything. Especially since that extra hour would mean the difference between feeling rushed or rested and relaxed. (As much as it is possible to be whilst travelling!)

Starbucks beckoned me in. I ordered a green tea latte with almond milk and a tempting piece of chocolate-chip shortbread. I sat down and enjoyed some time to marvel at the diversity around me. I love people-watching. It makes me remember why I’m (mostly) proud to be human.

For me, that was an act of self-love. I chose to honour my needs instead of trying desperately to make other people happy. Besides, all I really need to do to take my family happy is to turn up! I think we sometimes think that people require so much more of us than they really do. We are often our own worst enemies and our hardest task-masters.

So on this day of love, can you make a resolution to love yourself first and foremost? I’ll try if you will.