Love and Fear
I lost my dad at fifteen. He shouldn't have gone so soon.
He didn't even get to see me pass my Standard Grade exams. All those evenings we worked together on my German; he never got to see how they paid off.
He never saw me off to France when I was 19. Never got to be proud of the way I managed to fend for myself in a different country, or become fluent in the language. He never got to meet my Frenchman and see the life we are building together.
He'll never see his grandkids or walk me down the aisle.
He went too soon.
Losing your parent when you're a teenager is hard. Especially when you really were a daddy's girl. My mum and I share a very special relationship, but it was Dad who got my sense of humour. Dad whose eyes sparkled the same way as mine do when there's a joke lurking somewhere behind them. Dad who I went to first when I needed to cry about something. Dad who understood my love for writing and learning.
We were the same, Dad and I.
Losing someone too young leaves you scarred in ways you don't even realise until years later.
I'm loving by nature. I give and love and forgive and believe the best. My greatest happinesses come from my loving bond with my partner and the safety and security he provides, and from my relationships with my mum and sister, my family and closest friends. I need their love. I feel whole and complete with their love. And I return their love with my affection. I love to love. I need to love.
But with all this love comes so much fear. What if it happens again? What if someone I love - so very much that it almost hurts - is ripped from my heart all over again? How will I bear it?
I fear the late night phone calls. When I hear reports of fatal car accidents, my imagination runs riot with images of my loved ones' lifeless bodies at the scene. Hearing that someone I love has a very bad flu makes me feel scared. If I haven't heard from someone for a while, I panic. I scroll through Facebook after hearing about terrorist attacks. Was there any way that person I love could have been involved?
I get through it day by day. Today my loved one is alive and well. I pray they'll be here tomorrow as well.
It's hard. There isn't a quick fix or a solution to my 'problem'. The truth is that with great love comes great fear. I love people passionately, so I fear greatly. And I've already experienced what it is to lose someone who means the world to you and feel like you're now going through life a little maimed because of it.
The best anyone can do is to run in the opposite direction of the fear. Run into the arms of your loved ones. Tell them every day how much you love them. Make memories. The time we have is precious.
Some of us believe in something after death. My belief is that we are all connected by something greater than ourselves and that somehow after we die we'll be reunited with those who've gone before us.
We all have the memories of loved ones to keep us going, and the imprint of their lives in our hearts.
Love like there's no tomorrow. I think that's how we learn to live in a functioning relationship with the fear of loss.
