#MentalHealthAwareness

I'm having a sh*t day with my emotions and mental health. It happens. I don't have glaringly-obvious, debilitating anxiety or crippling depression. I am blessed that there are very few days when I cannot find reasons to smile, motivation to get me out of bed and hope for the future. But I do have these kind of days.

You know, the kind of days when you just don't feel right. Today I'm not very positive about myself, especially about the way I look. I went through a million clothing-changes in the morning before work and made an extra effort with my make-up, because underneath I'm struggling with my self-image more than usual.

I felt fat all day. In my mind I hashed and replayed the image of my large thighs and rear-end (and middle, because some days my #IBS makes me swell up like a pregnant whale) bouncing around for all to see, and imagined all the thoughts supposedly going through people's heads. She really needs to lose weight. She'd be so much prettier if she were thinner. Doesn't look nice.

I sucked in my stomach all day.

I came home and imagined all these worst-case scenarios, like stories playing inside my head. What if I'm only going to get fatter and uglier now forever. What if Max leaves me for another woman. What if people don't actually like me and I have like 1.2 friends left on this earth.

I know on the surface that these are petty and shallow worries, and also irrational. But it's just how I feel.

I felt all day like I needed a hug. I wanted to reach out to someone and ask for one. It would be simple. "Excuse me, sorry to bother you, but I'm feel fragile today and I'd appreciate I hug."

But I didn't. Because I'm a strong, independent woman in the wrong-end of my twenties who has to have it all together. Heaven forbid people should see weakness, supposed immaturity, fragility or humanity

I'm grateful, in a way, because I know that I get off lightly with the whole mental-health thing. For the most part, I'm quite healthy. I have mostly good days. Being creative, positive, going outdoors and exercising helps a lot.

My heart goes out to all those who suffer so badly that their everyday is too difficult to handle, and almost impossible to get through. May you one day find a light, and until then, be brave and share how you feel.

Maybe we'll get that hug we're after, and maybe we'll feel less alone.

Because we aren't alone. We're all in this together.