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The Introverted Duckling

My New Year's Resolution: To stop feeling guilty!

New Year's Resolutions-Smesolutions

I went off New Year's resolutions for a few years, as I hated the feelings of guilt and despair which came with my attempts to start going running every day, or to cut out all sugar, or to stop any negative thought from every entering my mind... not to mention the peculiar ones I would come up with whilst growing up in my childhood church, always resulting in strong feelings of guilt and condemnation when any 'resolution' would fail miserably by the middle of January.

This year, however, I'm gracefully setting myself a challenge, as opposed to a resolution. I know I will fail over and over again because guilt and feelings of are strongly embedded in me, and it will be hard to consistently override them. But I'm challenging myself to try. I owe that to me. I think that being kinder and more graceful to ourselves is one of the greatest gifts we can offer to the world. So I will start the ball rolling by not condemning myself if I fall of the band wagon once, twice, even several times a day. It's a process. What matters is that I try.

Many New Year's Resolutions seem unkind and shame-ridden, carrying hidden messages such as, 'Your body needs a lot of work to be considered beautiful' or 'You're too lazy' or 'Your character is extremely flawed.' Maybe that's why our well-meaning resolutions don't last very long. Maybe a little voice inside is crying out, 'But why should i have to change to be loved and accepted? Amen't I enough, just the way i am?"

Why do I feel guilty all the time?

I believe that a lot of my guilt stems from the particular religion I grew up in. (See previous blog posts entitled 'How a religious cult stole my childhood') and the rest of it comes from our culture that is so obsessed by perfection and getting ahead.

From birth, the messages I heard repeatedly were: 'You are depraved and in need of saving. You are worth nothing unless you give your life to God. Only God could love a sinner like you. You are constantly falling into sin; you need to repent. Yes God loves you and we do too, but unless you give us all your time, your will and your ability to reason and question our methods, we'll treat you like an outcast until you conform.'

Over time, these messages build such feelings of shame in you that you believe deep down at a fundamental level that you are completely worthless, unlovable and a very depraved human being. Guilt becomes part of your essence and shame is your constant companion.

Then there's the cultural shame which you can't help absorb from a very early age, the messages that say you need to be perfect in every area of your life. You need to get perfect grades at school, you need to be good at sports, you need to be a great cook, you need to be skinny, you need to look like the models/actresses on TV or you'll never be loved or fit in, you need to be outgoing and the life of the party, you need to have a tidy house, you need to have a well-paying, meaningful career...

All of these messages are teaching us one thing. That who we are and what we do isn't enough.

Tackling guilt in... my spiritual life

If you've been following my previous posts, you'll know that for the past few years I've been on a journey out of my old religion and onto a path where I feel more comfortable. I suppose you could say I've left conventional Christianity behind - especially the legalistic, narrow version in which I spent my childhood - to find 'God' in my own way.

Of course this comes with much guilt. Many people following conventional Christianity would argue that this is the 'Holy Spirit' trying to 'convict me' and bring me back to the 'straight and narrow'. However I believe that these feelings of guilt are simply a result of my upbringing and having been told constantly that I had to do things their way or else. Because I was taught that I couldn't possibly know what was best for me. That the choices I made on my own could only be sinful at best.

I've come to find that I feel happiest finding 'God' in the spaces of my own heart, when it's quiet and there are no other voices blaring from pulpits or from Christian rock songs. I find 'God' in nature, in the beautiful colours of a sunset or in the bubbling stream, in the gentle eyes of my dog, in those loving, tender moments I share with my partner, in the art I enjoy making and in other people's art, in music, in laughter, in a good meal and in good company, whilst doing yoga or out on a long walk or having a bath. I find 'God' in everything, because I think God is in everything; not merely contained inside particular doctrines or religions.

This year I'll try harder not to feel guilty for following my own heart and leaving behind what had become toxic for me.

Tackling guilt in... the way I look

Being a woman in this culture requires a strength of character that doesn't come naturally to me. That is, if you want to be happy with who you are and what you already have, you have to be able to shut out all those subliminal messages and close your eyes to the images that are constantly bombarding us, jumping out of magazines and from TV screens and our Instagram feed. The messages which remind us that we are a long way from being ideal.

I'll be honest and say that recently I've been really struggling with the whole body-type/weight thing. For about five months leading up to Christmas I ate quite healthily (although not 'dieting' in the strictest sense as I am still against the whole fad-dieting approach) and worked out for 30 minutes most days after work. I managed to lose half a stone, although I think was also due to losing the weight I had put on gradually whilst on the pill.

However, I realised sadly that this wasn't enough. That the problem wasn't how much i weigh or what size of clothes I am able to fit into, but how I see myself.

The thing is, I know that I could keep trying to lose weight, but I still won't be happy with the way I look because I will never be skinny and in a sad, perverse kind of way (thanks culture) I only believe that true beauty lies in being skinny.

It's an anxiety problem more than anything else. This is my mind's particular obsession at the moment. I think it may be how my mind has tried to distract me from the stress/ even pain of the lead up to Christmas, which however much I enjoy to some degree, has been permeated this year by a lot of running around for the festive season, paired with the lack of sleep and busyness which comes from having a new puppy. (Not that I regret taking Gus. We love him so much and accept that this is a natural part of the process of getting a dog, however difficult it can feel at this stage!)

Anyway, this year I'm going to try harder to accept my body at whatever point it is at, whether that be slightly bloated after Christmas indulgence, or a little slimmer after a few weeks of settling back into a healthier routine.

I want to find a better balance, but most of all I want to learn to love my body for exactly how it is. I need to remind myself constantly that I am not broken or less-valued for having wider hips and not perhaps being a little larger than I was in my very early-twenties. Maybe this is part of learning to accept the ageing process, too. I am definitely not a teenager anymore, not even in my early or middle-twenties, and that's OK.

Tackling guilt in other areas

There are so many areas of guilt which I need to work on. I need to allow myself more time to rest and relax without feeling guilty. More time to do my art, without feeling guilty. I need to realise that I won't always be the perfect doggy-mum, or the perfect partner, or even the very best musician or artist or writer, and all of that's OK.

I'm OK. I'm good enough.

This year, I choose to take a break from all the guilt. Or to at least to my best to not let it take over.

So that's my New Year's Resolution. I'd be curious to know if you have one. If so, let me know in the comments :-).

I close my post with a picture of our delightful pooch, Gus. This was him when he was about 13-weeks old.

Gus when he was tiny <3

Happy New Year!

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