Why being assertive is so hard and what I plan to do about it

My New Year’s resolution this year simultaneously excites me and fills me with dread.

For years I’ve tried to ignore and even actively go against the concept of a ‘New Year’s resolution’. In my opinion it is a consumerist ploy to make us spend more.

However, this year there is something I want to work on for my personal happiness and growth.

This time I’m not seeking to shrink something, like my body size or even my carbon footprint (as much as the latter is a terribly good thing and something that I try to do as much as possible already). Instead, my resolution includes loads of ‘bigger’ and ‘more’. Taking up more space. Breaking down the lies that would have me believe I am small and insignificant.

I want to be more assertive.

Being assertive goes against my personality. Nature has made me quieter, more submissive, not wanting to step on anyone’s toes or be in the spotlight.

And then there’s nurture. Many of you will have read some previous blog articles about the environment I grew up in. I was taught to believe that ‘God only wants my funeral’. This idea is as messed up as it sounds. It was the concept that to be ‘pleasing to God’ I had to empty myself of not just unhealthy ego but basically everything that made me me, so that ‘God’ could control me and fill me up with himself.

Basically, it was a teaching that allowed, and allows, power-hungry, authoritative figures to prevent people from questioning their absurd teachings. Individuality was deadly to the leaders of the church I grew up in. To protect themselves they wanted and needed robots, or puppets. They wanted ‘yes-men’. Not thoughtful, whole or healthy individuals led by their own instincts and interpretations of spirituality.

Then there’s my family background. Losing the person I loved the most in the world at the tumultuous age of fifteen. One of the few people, until then, who made me feel special for just being myself.

The pain of that loss drew me into myself, making me feel like the world was a very scary place, that ‘God’ would hurt and punish me, and that the only way to get through life was to be good as possible so that someone or some people would love me and make the hurt go away.

This is not to make you feel sorry for me. This is only to explain the background behind why it is so bloody difficult for me to be assertive.

It feels like trying to tear a monster’s claw from around my throat every time I want to speak up or be heard. It feels like going against the grain, when the grain is a thousand screaming voices telling me I am of no value. It feels like breaking apart a safety net or sinking in deep water.

This is what being assertive feels like to me.

But it’s time to do it. It’s time to finally speak up and be heard. It’s time to stop giving in to everyone else’s smallest whims. It’s time to put myself first and believe, truly believe, that what I want and dream of and believe in, matters.

This year I’m going to say ‘no’ more often than I say ‘yes’.

This year I’m going to speak more loudly than I’ve ever spoken before.

This year I’m going to make self-care a priority.

This year I’m going to make my reality the way I want it to be.

This year I’m going to allow myself to believe, really believe, that I am good enough, loved just the way I am, and that I truly do have something wonderful to offer to the world around me.

It might look like saying 'no' to things that people I love want me to do.

It might look like losing friendships that are unhealthy for me. It might look like making less money but being happier. Or it might look like finally achieving some of the things I’ve been longing to achieve.

Many of you will know that I am a musician and that music is one of my passions. In order to focus more on my music, I’m going to have to free up more time. I’m going to have to make choices that might offend other people. I’m going to finally accept the fact that no-one else can make my dreams happen for me. And most importantly I’m going to have to believe in myself, knowing that other people’s approval doesn’t even matter.

Maybe sometimes being assertive won’t look pretty. Or maybe it will look like the best thing I have ever chosen to do.

It will be hard, and painful. I'll probably fail, a lot. But hopefully it will get easier. And hopefully this time next year I will see how being more assertive has paid off.

I am excited for this. Because life is too short not to do the things you know will make you happier. The person I am next year will thank me for it, I know.

If this post has spoken to you, or you plan to do something similar, or you've got your own resolution, I would love to hear from you.

Or even if you haven't made any resolutions at all. Because that's great too. The most important thing to remember is that we - and I - are already good enough.

And we deserve to do what makes us happy.